When I started this blog it was always my intention to be honest, raw, and free with my feelings. It is a safe place, it is my place to share, to let people in and to, as the title states, live out loud. I made this choice even though I am a very private person. I am most definitely an extrovert, but I am fiercely protective of my people and so, very private in some aspects of my life.
I have been in a funk for a while now and I was not really sure why, but it has impacted my ability to write. Was it my job, missing my family, not being able to spend as much quality time with Andi as was possible in the past...? No, no, and no. What's insane is that "it" came to me while I was watching TV. Whoever says that tv will rot your brain has no idea what they are talking about, because it may just have saved mine. And so too have the creators of Parenthood. Truly and seriously, as I watched the show I finally realized what the hell is wrong with me, why I am so darn blue.
It is a darkness in my heart that I feel when I admit to myself that I will not ever be a mom again. I will not ever bring life into the world again. I will not ever again be a part of the most spectacular thing a female can do. I will never make life, make joy and make human another piece of my heart and soul. I never thought that two would be enough, and when I look at their faces wonder how
can two be enough? They are my most brilliant achievement yet. They make me insane, they test my patience and deprive me of sleep, but they fill me with a love I never knew existed.
When we had the girls "made", we had four other little "possibilities" left over that have been sitting on ice for years now. Each quarter we get an invoice that it is time to pay the storage fee and, well, we do. In the deepest part of my soul and all of my heart I wanted to believe that it was because there was still a glimmer of hope that one of those would become my next baby. When the last invoice came, not much was said about paying it because in my mind I knew that this was going to be the end. I never signed a check to the facility, so I am fairly certain that they have been destroyed. Destroyed, and along with them the hope that I carried for the past two years. So now, I will give myself the permission to grieve this loss. To really look inside and feel, to let myself think about what this means for me and to face the reality that, this is it. I am mommy to two fantastic little chickens, so I have to move on, move forward, and fully engage as their mom without this preoccupation/daydream/fantasy of what could have been. But to be fair to those embryos who at one time brought me the hope I needed to believe that I would have the family of my dreams. I will grieve this loss, because for me it is a loss, a death; although not a literal one, because I do not believe life itself begins with 16 cells. But the hope, longing, and love for a child that you dream up does. Sadly, what we dream so rarely is what we get, so I'm gonna move forward and cry myself better, dive into a little wine, and focus on the girls I have. I will shift my hopes and dreams of new life towards my sister
( no pressure Val) and know that one day our family will grow and my heart will once again be filled with an immense love and the joy of new life in the faces of my sister's children.
Now that that has been said... lets get on with this blog, shall we?
