The 31 days that got away!

This is a very very late post, but it has to go in the baby book.  So as with all my other late posts, I will change the dates around.  October was super-busy with visitors and fall-ish tomfoolery. We had originally decided to not go the big pumpkin farm route like last year, because it was super-crowded, overpriced, and full of mud.  What better way to welcome fall than to do so locally?  We headed to the Central Market for the great pumpkin weigh-off. Can you even believe that such a thing occurs, not only locally but nationally, and to our luck it was happening just down 99.  We had to share this with our great pal Amy.  Miss Amy is a natural with the girls!   

They had their first hay ride and they LOVED IT!!  They were calling out to the kids in the lot, telling them to "ride the choo choo too".  Like I said, this was their first hay ride.   

 Since they had so much fun playing with hay, the very next weekend 

we trotted off to the local nursery for some more fall festivities.

This time we took Grandma Marcy with us.  

 Hay, that was a lot of fun!!

 The next day we had some special gals come to visit. 

 Marinda!!  and our 'Tepany'!

 Later in the month, the cool breezes blew us over to the Zoo to hang with the Lyden crew!

We monkeyed around

 and pretended to be turtles.

Eme got a little of her holiday baking done.  

We love the apron Miss Angela gave us.

 Pumpkin Night at school is a big hit around here.  

We get to paint, stay up very late and eat pancakes for dinner with Teacher Janice. 

 Look into my eyes!!

Okay, we could not get enough of this place, so we went to the nursery again for the fall festival

Face painting may not be Marlo's thing

 Mimi, on the other hand, thought it was pretty great.

 Someone didn't get the memo about the "fall" theme

 This time the hay ride was actually a hay ride... old pros.

 got milk?

 We just could not bring ourselves to carve pumpkins this year. 

 Really, Andi just did not want to deal with the mess and I did not want them playing with knives. 

 So we did this instead

 pretty nice.

 Then the costume-making began! 

And yes, I made the dress. 

BFF

After a year we finally got to meet this little GEM!

It was like we knew her all of her little life, 

she just fit right into our hearts and she isn't gonna budge!

I mean, look at that face!!

 How can she not be magnificent when her folks are so fantastic.

  and I'm not just saying this cause they read this blog!

 Marlo loves Derek

 Who doesn't love Graeme?

 No one loved the creepy old guy that showed up at the play space! 

 Take a  look at the Hopewell family staredown! 

 These are the people you want to have your back in a street fight.  

Cheers girls!

Thanks for all the fun times. 

Lets do it all again in Alaska!  

YEAH!

I see a life-long friendship developing!

Love you baby Eva!!

Rascals

We turned our backs on them for a second, and we were in for it.  Let the scheming period of their toddler years begin.  When we hear "Oh, I an idea" followed by an "Oh, okay" this is what happens-

Moving forward

When I started this blog it was always my intention to be honest, raw, and free with my feelings. It is a safe place, it is my place to share, to let people in and to, as the title states, live out loud.  I made this choice even though I am a very private person.  I am most definitely an extrovert, but I am fiercely protective of my people and so, very private in some aspects of my life.
I have been in a funk for a while now and I was not really sure why, but it has impacted my ability to write. Was it my job, missing my family, not being able to spend as much quality time with Andi as was possible in the past...?  No, no, and no.  What's insane is that "it" came to me while I was watching TV.  Whoever says that tv will rot your brain has no idea what they are talking about, because it may just have saved mine.  And so too have the creators of Parenthood.  Truly and seriously, as I watched the show I finally realized what the hell is wrong with me, why I am so darn blue.
It is a darkness in my heart that I feel when I admit to myself that I will not ever be a mom again.  I will not ever bring life into the world again. I will not ever again be a part of the most spectacular thing a female can do.  I will never make life, make joy and make human another piece of my heart and soul.  I never thought that two would be enough, and when I look at their faces wonder how can two be enough?  They are my most brilliant achievement yet. They make me insane, they test my patience and deprive me of sleep, but they fill me with a love I never knew existed.
When we had the girls "made", we had four other little "possibilities" left over that have been sitting on ice for years now. Each quarter we get an invoice that it is time to pay the storage fee and, well, we do. In the deepest part of my soul and all of my heart I wanted to believe that it was because there was still a glimmer of hope that one of those would become my next baby.  When the last invoice came, not much was said about paying it because in my mind I knew that this was going to be the end.  I never signed a check to the facility, so I am fairly certain that they have been destroyed.  Destroyed, and along with them the hope that I carried for the past two years.  So now, I will give myself the permission to grieve this loss.  To really  look inside and feel, to let myself think about what this means for me and to face the reality that, this is it.  I am mommy to two fantastic little chickens, so I have to move on, move forward, and fully engage as their mom without this preoccupation/daydream/fantasy of what could have been. But to be fair to those embryos who at one time brought me the hope  I needed to believe that I would have the family of my dreams.  I will grieve this loss, because for me it is a loss, a death; although not a literal one, because I do not believe life itself begins with 16 cells.  But the hope, longing, and love for a child that you dream up does. Sadly, what we dream so rarely is what we get, so I'm gonna move forward and cry myself better,  dive into a little wine, and focus on the girls I  have.  I will shift my hopes and dreams of new life towards my sister ( no pressure Val) and know that one day our family will grow and my heart will once again be filled with an immense love and the joy of new life in the faces of my sister's children.

Now that that has been said... lets get on with this blog, shall we?

Funky Town

I want to post about all the fun stuff that has been goin' down at Casa PDLC, but I can't.  It's not writer's block, its more of a funk I can't snap out of.  I thought that a visit from Graeme, Derek, and Baby Eva was gonna do it... nope.  Then I thought hands down, Halloween, being one of the best nights of the year, would do it... nope!  Not even my littles, in the most adorable costumes ever, were able to shake me out because come Tuesday morning, I sit at the computer and... nothing! 

How can I blog about the happiest times of the year so far when I can't get over the fact that I miss my family, my old friends, my old job, my old home town!!!  Not to say that all my Seattle pals are not the bee's knees, but there is something to be said about the people, places and things of your past, that you can wrap around you like your most favorite old sweater and feel, well... perfect, calm, cozy...home.  So, I will go about my day and hope that with tomorrow comes the end of this blue period.  

That's all!